That was January. Fast forward three months later to April and I was late again. I had heard that after miscarriages women are often more fertile but we were surprised that it happened so fast. I was shocked by God’s timing too - with the previous pregnancy I was excited but also overwhelmed since it meant I’d have two children under the age of one and a half. I also struggled with the thought that this would have changed my first year with S - I wouldn’t be able to just enjoy her first year like I had envisioned. It meant that we’d be preparing for the next one, thinking through how we’d function as a family of four, and there was a good possibility that I would have been sick or just unable to do the things that a non-pregnant mom could do with a baby/toddler. So what amazed me about this pregnancy was that we found out 4 days after S’s first birthday! It was incredible and we were so excited and thankful. Handsome being the more cautious one in our marriage said, “I’m completely excited to expand our family but I’m just not sure how I would handle something happening again.” I agreed but after that comment we both put it out of our heads and were pretty certain that there was no way that it would/could happen again so soon after the last one.
About a week later I realized something wasn’t quite right with this one. We went in and had blood work done but I knew what was happening before we even got the results back. But how could this be? How could we have lost two babies within three months of each other? We had a hard time wrapping our minds around it and processing it.
Handsome was mad and confused. After a few days though as he worked through it and allowed the emotion to come, he told me that it was just easier to be mad that this was happening to us again than to allow himself to feel the pain of it. But once those emotions came flooding in, it allowed for the healing process to begin.
I was exhausted - physically and emotionally. My body was tired of going through this. It’s such a long, hard process and a constant reminder of the emotional pain you’re going through. Even weeks afterwards - I came home one day, laid S down for a nap, sat down and started heaving. I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard. It felt like someone in my family had died...and they had.
I feel the loss, like something’s missing. I feel it when I hear that someone is pregnant and due in August or December and I was too but have nothing to show for it; I feel it when my sister’s adorable little belly starts showing and mine is not growing with hers. I feel it when I least expect it.
But (and I am so thankful that there is a “but”), we have hope. God has so graciously carried us through this. He has brought both Handsome and I (in different ways) to the same place of supernatural gratefulness. We can’t explain it, but we feel filled to over-flowing with thankfulness for who God is and all that He has done for us. This work can only be credited to Him. I have been studying the gospel of Luke for the past 9 months and being reminded of the undeserved gift that we’ve been given in Jesus, God’s Son, has been so good and provides such good perspective. A while back as I was continuing to process everything I began to write down my prayers. The following entry captures our hearts and where God has brought us:
“Heavenly Father,
Today and yesterday I have been struggling. Thank you for who you are - the God who made Himself man, who knows our sorrows, who even though we repeatedly choose other “lovers” over you - loves us enough to die a gruesome death to glorify yourself and to make a way for me to know you and be able to be communicating with you right now. Thank you. My words are too small, too plain for how I feel and what you deserve.
Lord, you know my pain - you FEEL my pain. You have lost also, only in a much more devastating way. You know worse pain. I know my pain is nothing compared to what you and others have experienced and so there is a lie that keeps beating me down, saying, ‘Your tears aren’t justified’, ‘Your pain is far less than others’ and therefore not valid’, ‘Don’t tell others of your pain because they know far worse and will roll their eyes at this small burden you bear’, ‘You are selfish for feeling such strong emotion...after all, you didn’t even know these babies nor carried them for very long.’
But Lord, it’s there - the grief is there and these days it seems to have taken residence in my heart. I long to know and hold my babies, but for that day I must wait. Thank you for hope, for strength when the lives of those around me seem to move forward...leaving me behind.
Your way is perfect, your plans for my/our life are perfect. Your love is overwhelming and it leaves me grateful. I cling to your sovereignty. You are good and worthy of my trust - ALWAYS. Your life, death, and resurrection leave no room for me to question these things. Though my eyes still burn from tears, my heart sings for joy for you my God spoke the universe into being and yet allow me to be a part of your plan, a part of wooing what was meant to be yours back to yourself.
I am humbled and beyond grateful for everything you do in my life. I am yours, Lord, have your way.”
We are thankful for two more reasons to look forward to heaven and we’re squeezing S a little tighter these days. I am humbled by and find it hard to believe that anyone would read this blog but our prayer is that God would be glorified in our lives and through our story and that others may be encouraged and led closer to Him.
We are so blessed.
I could kiss those cheeks all day!
This man leads us so well.
