Saying Goodbye to Our Little Joy Baby

“The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;

may the name of the Lord be praised.” - Job 1:21 (NIV)

I had calculated in my head that this would be about the time when we would be making the announcement; right around Lu’s first birthday. We were so excited to announce that she was going to be a big sister! We wanted to shout from the rooftops that we’d be welcoming our 3rd child into the world in early February. Instead we spent the Fourth of July holiday saying goodbye and walking through our 3rd miscarriage.

I thought about writing a piece on some “Do’s and Don’ts” of walking with a friend (or even an acquaintance) through miscarriage and I thought about writing about the details of “What No One Ever Tells You About Miscarriages”, but after spending some time in prayer, I felt the Lord do a MIGHTY work in my heart and change the direction of not only this blog post but my perspective. So here’s where we are...

We have been blessed. The joy we experienced when we found out we were pregnant right before my 30th birthday blessed us...OH how it blessed us! Handsome totally outdid himself in the surprises and celebrations this year but this...this was the best 30th birthday surprise of all! Just a couple of days before we found out we were on a date talking about how we really felt surprisingly ready to start trying for another and laughed about how we were going to scrounge up the money for a minivan. Those first few days or weeks when just the two of you know that there is a life inside of you, they are so sweet. Those moments when we dreamed together; imagining life with 3 (so close in age!), talking about names, realizing we only had a couple of months before we’d need to move the girls into the same room so that they’d have a few months to adjust. These moments brought us joy! Celebrating with family and a few friends that we “slipped” to :) was so much fun!!

Even over the Fourth of July weekend while we were losing the baby, the Lord gave us many moments of joy - dinner outside with sweet friends on a beautiful summer evening; an S and Momma date where we snuggled in a booth and ate donuts together while I told her all of the things I love about her...JOY! And playing Duck-Duck-Goose in our front yard with our little family of four when Daddy was really the only one that could run or that S could tag “goose” (as L is a baby and I was in no physical condition to be running) - hilarious!

It was a blessing to carry that sweet baby for 9 weeks. In those 9 weeks we experienced joy that we did nothing to deserve...nothing! We now have more babies in heaven then we do here on earth but what’s beautiful is that for the three we’ve yet to meet, Heaven is all they’ll ever know. And here’s what it looks like in Heaven:

“Blessed are those who dwell in [God’s] house; they are ever praising you.” - Psalm 84:4

So I choose to JOIN our little one(s) in praising God; for who He is, for what He has done, for what He will do that we still don’t know but trust is for our best, and for the JOY that He blessed us with for those 9 weeks!

Hear me say that we were and still are devastated to lose this baby, words cannot express our sadness. But I pray that you see this supernatural work of God in our hearts and our perspective for what it is - a work of GOD. This is not my natural response, nor is it me mustering up my own energy to find the strength inside of me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. I also hope you can see that it’s definitely not me/us putting on a facade that we are doing ok and trusting God when deep down we are not doing ok and we are hurting but feel like “real” Christians don’t show weakness. We feel genuinely thankful for those sweet 9 weeks and for the unexpected and undeserved joy we were and continue to experience. God is the only one who gets the credit for this. We are thankful, and humbled, and longing for Heaven all the more! 

We celebrate you, sweet baby! We celebrate you and God's goodness. And we miss you every day.

A Time to Cherish

Where are these little years going?! Both of my babies are sleeping and I just stood in both of their rooms and watched them for a while. It's warm in their rooms - L is in nothing but a onesie and S is wearing bike shorts and a t-shirt that's too small, knees up in the air and an arm over her head. Both audibly sucking on their pacies. I love the sound of the fans - makes it feel like summer; falling asleep with pink faces and sticky skin.

God has graciously helped me to step back this week and enjoy my girls. He's made me aware that these days are short. S had her first ballet class today and I got teared up watching her. She is stunningly beautiful. Her beauty has literally been taking my breath away lately. I sat there and watched her sitting and listening to her teacher - her hair pulled up into a messy bun with whisps falling down around her ears and neck. She sat with perfect posture. She looked like the perfect ballerina. She just kept giggling as she danced around the room in her pink satin leotard and her tulley pink tutu. They did a little routine to "Somewhere Out There" and I just about died. She danced so well. The other two girls have been practicing this dance for months and we just joined so this was S's first time and she did better than both of them (in my humble, biased opinion)! She just amazes me! We skipped to the car together afterwards, something we don't do as much of these days since I'm usually carrying L. Getting individual time with each of them is so precious to me!

Then there's Lulu-bug. Oh that face. Her entire face lights up when she smiles, and all you have to do is look at her. It is hands-down one of my favorite feelings in the whole world. She is so sweet and she's getting so big. I love this stage! She's cruising everywhere and exploring everything (although if we sit her outside in the grass she just plays or watches the world go by, but doesn't move an inch:)). She has big feelings and her volume level is like nothing I've ever heard before! But when it's time for bed and she's had her bottle she snuggles her face into my neck and I could stay there for a thousand years! Then there's her thighs...her thighs I could eat with a spoon - they're wonderful. Our family absolutely would not be complete without her.

These sisters love each other fiercely. I love bringing L into S's room to wake her up from a nap. As soon as we walk into S's room and L sees her, she gets a huge smile and starts leaning out of my arms because she so badly wants to climb all over S and take her paci out of her mouth. She is next to impossible to wake up from naps right now, but when L is the one to wake her up, S is blissfully happy. Still sleepy-eyed she hugs and kisses on L and laughs while she tries to take her pacis out of her mouth. It's one of my favorite moments of the day. I see so many adult sibling relationships that struggle, sometimes to the point of not having a relationship and I don't understand it. As a mother, that would kill me to see in my sweet girls but I know it's very often a reality and so for that reason I started praying as soon as L was born every night that nothing would come between them all of their days. Not that they would never have to work through and talk through things together but that they would always CHOOSE to work through and talk through the tough things/times together.

I am indebted to the Lord forever for the past 3 years that He has allowed me to enjoy S and for the past 9 months that He has allowed me to enjoy L. It's more than I could ever deserve.

(Look closely in the background of these two, above and below :) )

It's a Choice

S went into the play place at Chick-Fil-A all by herself (which I hate to do but I was feeding L). All of a sudden I look and see her crying, trying to come back down the playscape. She was crying so loud that all of the kids cleared a way for her and stared at her (and it’s loud in there!). I ran in and picked her up. Another mom was in there asking her what happened and S said that a little girl kicked her in the stomach! The mom said she thought it may have been her daughter b/c “she’d been bullying kids by the slide.” She kept calling for her to come down but the girl never did. Eventually the mom left and I could see she wasn’t going to bring her daughter down to apologize, so I brought S back to our table and talked to her in my lap while she finished her ice cream. 

S said she felt sad because the girl kicked her and she asked me why she kicked her (break my heart!). By this point the little girl had come down and S pointed her out to me - it was that woman’s little girl. She asked me why she wasn’t saying that she was sorry. Everything in my Momma Bear’s heart wanted to bring that girl over and talk to her and ask her to apologize because it was so unfair to S! But God reminded me that I won’t always be there to fix it or make it better for S, so how can I use this situation to prepare her for life?

I looked S in the eyes and I said, “You know what, Baby? Sometimes people do things that hurt us and make us sad and they don’t say that they’re sorry even though they should. Maybe because they are struggling or they’re making a bad choice, but do you know what’s amazing?!” “What?!” She said with a big smile and ice cream on her nose. “Jesus CHOSE to forgive us - even though we had hurt Him and made Him sad by going our own way instead of His, and we hadn’t even said that were were sorry. But He CHOSE to forgive us anyway! And He can help us to do the same thing! Isn’t that awesome?!” “Yeah,” she said, “Momma, is she still here?” “Yes, she’s getting ice cream over there, why?” “I want to tell her that I forgive her.”

The mom, her baby and the little girl were heading towards the door and so I waved them over and said to the mom, “We are working on forgiveness and she told me that your daughter did kick her in the stomach. And I know, it’s so hard because you’re not up there and don’t know what’s going on and maybe your daughter was struggling, but she’s been asking me why she’s not saying she’s sorry and so I told her that we can still forgive people even when they don’t say ‘I’m sorry’.” “Absolutely!” the mom agreed. “So she wanted to talk to her if that’s ok?” The mom said, “Of course!” and S looked at the little girl and said, “I fuh-give you fuh kickin’ me.” The mom said, “What do you say? Say you’re sorry!” but the little girl just hid behind her mom. The mom shrugged and said, “We’re working on saying I’m sorry! Yeah it’s so hard because I feel like I can’t get up there and with two little ones...well, you know! Thanks for taking this so well.”

I smiled and nodded and told her to have a good day. Then I sat there holding and kissing S in my lap and squeezing a baby food pouch into L’s mouth, choking back tears. I just kept saying, “I’m so proud of you, S! I’m SO proud of you!”

I cried as I drove home and God brought to mind people in my life who have hurt me or my family and have never apologized. What they've done is hurtful but even more than that is the fact that they won't apologize for it. I've never been able to get over that hurdle of hurt and "fairness"...until now - it's a choice. Praise Jesus for the Cross and my 3 year old!!!

Second Birthday Letter to S

My Sweet Little S,

I’m a couple of months late on this but I hope to write you a letter every year for your birthday to remind you what you mean to me (and your Daddy) and to remember all that  God does in your life over that year.

Oh dear one, I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sure most of my letters will begin like this, with me staring at a blank page, because there just aren’t words to describe the way my heart treasures you...but here we go...

You bring your Daddy and me more joy then you will ever know! Your personality is sooo much fun. You are a lover of people - from your closest little friends to relatives to Mr. Elmer who lives across the street, even strangers! God has given you such a unique gifting to love everyone you come in contact with. You won’t let people pass you by without saying hello to them, even if that means shouting it over and over until they hear you across the street, and I absolutely love that about you! You brighten people’s day and make them feel so loved - generously giving hugs and wanting to “mmuh” everyone when we say goodbye. My prayer is that God would help us to nurture this gift He’s given you.

Some of your favorite things right now - walks (especially with both Momma and Daddy when Daddy holds you and runs. I’m thankful that your sweet Daddy has taught you that then you stop and wait for me and your Baby Sister in my belly to catch up. I love after 5 or 10 seconds of pure joy, running in Daddy’s arms, to hear you say, “Wait [for] Momma.”). You also love dancing (especially to the princess songs on your princess castle from Nana and Pop-Pop). You’re a big fan of parks, especially swings and slides. Eating ice is also a favorite - I chop it up for you in a baggie and you are in heaven:) It’s quirky but I think you inherited your love for ice from me, so I can’t blame you! You love jumping in your crib, I mean you get air, girl! You also love singing, so much so that sometimes if Daddy or I join in with you you’ll stop, wave your hand at us and say, “No thank you Daddy/Momma”...hilarious:) Some of your favorite songs are “Jesus Loves Me”, “Oh How I Love Jesus”, my song for you “Sweet Baby of Mine”, “Baa Baa Black Sheep”, and all of the interactive songs like “Itsy Bitsy Spider”, “Five Little Monkeys Swinging in a Tree”, “The Wheels on the Bus”, etc. Favorite foods are - avacado, tomatoes, pizza, “chicken and fies”, prunes (you beg me for them!), and any kind of berry.

I cannot WAIT for you to be a big sister! You adore babies, you cannot get enough of them! Anytime you see a baby your voice goes up and you talk to them in a sing-songy voice, tickling their toes or kissing the tops of their heads (since we’ve had to have a talk about how those are the only two places you can touch so we don’t spread germs:)). You love to comfort babies if they’re crying, saying, “Dat ok, Baby...it ok” and you take such good care of your baby dolls - rocking them, singing to them, feeding them, changing them and just loving on them. Your two favorites are “Baby Susu” and “Baby Sistuh” (both you affectionately named). I just can’t wait to see you with your real baby sister! You are two of the luckiest girls in the world to have each other!!

Lately, like most two year olds, we’ve been learning about sharing and using kind words. My heart was so warmed by a recent conversation we had about your Baby Sister coming and how when she comes she’ll be staying with us forever. You said, “I share [with] Baby Sistuh and kind woods!!”. We’ve been learning about apologizing to friends when we hurt them and asking for forgiveness. Every time you disobey and need to be disciplined we talk afterwards about who made you (God) and who does God want to help you to be like (Jesus). We talk about what you did, what Jesus would have done, and what you’ll do next time you’re in that situation. And then we pray together. Sometimes I can see the wheels turning and you amaze me with how much you understand, telling me about how Jesus wants to not just wash your feet (like He did the disciples), but He wants to clean your whole heart. Then of course there are the times where you’re ready to move on and pray, “Dear Loowd, Amen.” But recently you told me that you want to sit in Jesus’ lap and have Him read to you - I see such a love of your Heavenly Father growing in your little heart and I beg Him for more every night. 

Putting you to bed at night is where I often see this the most. We sing a few songs and then I pray out loud for you. I pray that you will know Jesus from a young age and walk with Him all the days of your life, that you’d love telling others about Him, love spending time reading His Word every day, and that people would be drawn to you because of the way you love God and serve others. I pray for your friends, Raelyn, Lily, Kate, Nora, Natalie, Ainsley, Ezme, Ava, Baby Nora, and Baby Charlie - that they would know Him too and that you all would be an encouragement to one another. I pray the same for your cousins, Mae Mae, Rosie, Jacquelyn, Aidan, and Colin - that they’d know God and you’d all have sweet friendships because of that. I pray for Aidan and Colin’s siblings that they’d come home soon and safely - we can’t wait to meet them! I pray for you and your sister, that you’d be the best of friends, inseparable, that you’d be each other’s biggest cheerleaders and have sweet relationships with your Daddy - that he’d be the most important man in your life until God brings the right one along. I pray that as God knits your baby sister together in my womb that He’d create in her a personality that would compliment yours perfectly and vice versa. I pray for your future husbands - that they’d know Jesus from a young age and walk with Him all the days of their lives too; that their families would have wisdom to point them towards God and talk with them from a young age about purity; that God would protect you each from evil and help each of you choose to save yourselves for marriage and remain faithful all the days of your marriage; that He’d bless you with many children who love Him too and that our family would be one that would glorify Him generation after generation until Jesus comes back. Then I open my hands and agree with the Lord that these babies (you and your sister) are His, not mine to hold onto. I ask Him to have His way with you both, to glorify Himself in your lives and deaths. I love that you have initiated lifting your hands with me at this point and we talk about how we are giving everything we love to Jesus - it’s by far one of the sweetest moments of my day! Then we stand by your crib and sing Jesus Loves Me. I tell you that I love you and that Jesus loves you more than you can imagine and even if you’ve started getting sleepy and closed your eyes, you open them at that moment and say, “Yes!”, and then close them again:)

God has really begun working in your heart and drawing you to Himself and I couldn’t ask for a better gift than having a front-row seat to seeing this. God has used you to change your Daddy and I in many ways and we are so thankful. It’s as if He’s enlarged our hearts to love more than we thought was possible! Your Daddy’s face lights up in a way I’ve never seen before when he sees you - whether it’s after a long day of work or just after you wake up from your nap, it’s like he’s seeing you for the first time in years and he falls in love with you all over again. Goodness knows that I can’t get enough of you either. I’ve never experienced anything like this - you are a part of me. I remember saying goodbye to my Mom (your Nana) when your Daddy and I came home from our honeymoon and we were all packed up to drive from MD to OH to settle into our new life as husband and wife. As we hugged each other and cried she said, “I wish I could just absorb you into me.” I thought I understood what she felt then but now that I have you, I understand it on an entirely new level. I wish I could bottle up every moment with you - I’d never stop kissing your sweet face. My heart is constantly torn between watching you in amazement as you grow and learn new things and loving very minute of that and on the other hand never wanting anything to change!

I adore you, my Love! Being your Momma is one of the greatest privileges I’ve ever known! 

Love,

Your Adoring Momma

Five

For a man who would not take no for an answer (even “I’ll never date you” three times!) - I praise God.

For a man who followed God to England instead of the girl he’d finally “won” - I praise God.

For a man willing to choose one girl over what the world had to offer - I praise God.

For a day to declare love and promise faithfulness before God, family, and friends - I praise God.

For a year of challenges as two different people learned to adjust to living with each other - I praise God.

For an enchanted little town to enjoy the beginning of life together - I praise God.

For days of laughter and for days of tears - I praise God.

For a mother in-law spared from death - I praise God.

For months and months of hoping for a baby together - I praise God.

For a house that feels like a home - I praise God.

For parents who chose to take the high road and begin a legacy that will continue for generations after this family - I praise God.

For a man gifted with hilariousness and handsomeness - I praise God.

For a child that is His and not ours to hold onto - I praise God.

For a job and a committed man so that I can stay home - I praise God.

For a little girl who brings more joy to her parents than she’ll ever know - I praise God.

For a man who puts his family first...always - I praise God.

For a father who tells his daughter, “Do you know you’re beautiful?”, “You are so smart!”, and “I love you so much!” on a daily basis - I praise God.

For two babies at Home to look forward to holding together - I praise God.

For a man who graciously speaks more truth to me than anyone else in my life - I praise God.

For five years of being led by this man - I praise God.

Baby Hawley#2 & #3 (Part II)

That was January. Fast forward three months later to April and I was late again. I had heard that after miscarriages women are often more fertile but we were surprised that it happened so fast. I was shocked by God’s timing too - with the previous pregnancy I was excited but also overwhelmed since it meant I’d have two children under the age of one and a half. I also struggled with the thought that this would have changed my first year with S - I wouldn’t be able to just enjoy her first year like I had envisioned. It meant that we’d be preparing for the next one, thinking through how we’d function as a family of four, and there was a good possibility that I would have been sick or just unable to do the things that a non-pregnant mom could do with a baby/toddler. So what amazed me about this pregnancy was that we found out 4 days after S’s first birthday! It was incredible and we were so excited and thankful. Handsome being the more cautious one in our marriage said, “I’m completely excited to expand our family but I’m just not sure how I would handle something happening again.” I agreed but after that comment we both put it out of our heads and were pretty certain that there was no way that it would/could happen again so soon after the last one.

About a week later I realized something wasn’t quite right with this one. We went in and had blood work done but I knew what was happening before we even got the results back. But how could this be? How could we have lost two babies within three months of each other? We had a hard time wrapping our minds around it and processing it. 

Handsome was mad and confused. After a few days though as he worked through it and allowed the emotion to come, he told me that it was just easier to be mad that this was happening to us again than to allow himself to feel the pain of it. But once those emotions came flooding in, it allowed for the healing process to begin.

I was exhausted - physically and emotionally. My body was tired of going through this. It’s such a long, hard process and a constant reminder of the emotional pain you’re going through. Even weeks afterwards - I came home one day, laid S down for a nap, sat down and started heaving. I can’t remember the last time I cried that hard. It felt like someone in my family had died...and they had.

I feel the loss, like something’s missing. I feel it when I hear that someone is pregnant and due in August or December and I was too but have nothing to show for it; I feel it when my sister’s adorable little belly starts showing and mine is not growing with hers. I feel it when I least expect it.

But (and I am so thankful that there is a “but”), we have hope. God has so graciously carried us through this. He has brought both Handsome and I (in different ways) to the same place of supernatural gratefulness. We can’t explain it, but we feel filled to over-flowing with thankfulness for who God is and all that He has done for us. This work can only be credited to Him. I have been studying the gospel of Luke for the past 9 months and being reminded of the undeserved gift that we’ve been given in Jesus, God’s Son, has been so good and provides such good perspective. A while back as I was continuing to process everything I began to write down my prayers. The following entry captures our hearts and where God has brought us:

“Heavenly Father,

Today and yesterday I have been struggling. Thank you for who you are - the God who made Himself man, who knows our sorrows, who even though we repeatedly choose other “lovers” over you - loves us enough to die a gruesome death to glorify yourself and to make a way for me to know you and be able to be communicating with you right now. Thank you. My words are too small, too plain for how I feel and what you deserve.

Lord, you  know my pain - you FEEL my pain. You have lost also, only in a much more devastating way. You know worse pain. I know my pain is nothing compared to what you and others have experienced and so there is a lie that keeps beating me down, saying, ‘Your tears aren’t justified’, ‘Your pain is far less than others’ and therefore not valid’, ‘Don’t tell others of your pain because they know far worse and will roll their eyes at this small burden you bear’, ‘You are selfish for feeling such strong emotion...after all, you didn’t even know these babies nor carried them for very long.’

But Lord, it’s there - the grief is there and these days it seems to have taken residence in my heart. I long to know and hold my babies, but for that day I must wait. Thank you for hope, for strength when the lives of those around me seem to move forward...leaving me behind.

Your way is perfect, your plans for my/our life are perfect. Your love is overwhelming and it leaves me grateful. I cling to your sovereignty. You are good and worthy of my trust - ALWAYS. Your life, death, and resurrection leave no room for me to question these things. Though my eyes still burn from tears, my heart sings for joy for you my God spoke the universe into being and yet allow me to be a part of your plan, a part of wooing what was meant to be yours back to yourself.

I am humbled and beyond grateful for everything you do in my life. I am yours, Lord, have your way.”

We are thankful for two more reasons to look forward to heaven and we’re squeezing S a little tighter these days. I am humbled by and find it hard to believe that anyone would read this blog but our prayer is that God would be glorified in our lives and through our story and that others may be encouraged and led closer to Him.

We are so blessed.

I could kiss those cheeks all day!

This man leads us so well.

Baby Hawley #2 & #3

It was a week or so before Christmas and I was late. I waited a few days before getting suspicious but by the 4th day I knew. I went out, got a pregnancy test, and took it all without Handsome knowing. I felt like I was in shock because I was so certain but I love anticipation and so I thought it’d be fun to surprise him. Sure enough there were two straight lines. I wasn’t surprised at all - I wrapped it up and put it in a gift bag (I know, kind of gross), went downstairs and gave it to Handsome saying that I had an early Christmas present for him, however he’d have to wait because they say it takes between 8 and 10 months to make.

He opened it and was shocked. Neither of us were expecting it, after all S was only 8 months old which means I technically got pregnant when she was 7 months old! I hadn’t let the reality sink in until I told Handsome. I didn’t want to allow myself to experience any emotions until he knew too and we could experience it together. He was excited. I was freaked out. To be fair, there were things that I was excited about but there were also things that I was worried about and I didn’t know how everything was going to work out:

• How do you have/raise two kids under the age of a year and a half? 
• How do I continue to care for a baby if I’m sick as a dog?
• I just started sleeping well for the first time in over a year, oh my, that will be hard to give up again.

As time went on, I still wondered (and tried not to worry) about these things and the things that I was excited about began to grow: 

• S will be a big sister and she’ll be so good at it! 
• They’ll be so close in age and have such a special bond! 
• Life will be insane for a while but I imagine there is such sweet joy in the insanity! 
• There is a life growing inside of me!

There was something that made me stand in awe of God’s goodness though - my sister and the life that was growing inside of her too. It turned out that she was due on August 20th...I was due August 21st. This brought me more joy than I could contain. I couldn’t believe that the Lord was allowing me to be pregnant with my sister and best friend. And not just that, but we would literally get to walk through every stage of pregnancy together. I mean, a day apart? Who could even come up with this scenario?! Blimpy (my sister) and I felt like we were living out a dream come true - in fact, through her tears of joy, those were the exact words that she said when we told my family. 

But after a while we started to fear that something wasn’t right. The spotting that had happened for a couple of days right at the beginning of my pregnancy with S did not stop with this one. It went on for weeks and gradually got worse. We went in to see the doctor and they did some blood work and told us they’d call with the results. We tried not to be anxious as we waited for the call. When they did finally call it wasn’t good news. They said we would lose the baby but that they couldn’t tell us when. It was hard to process since we weren’t actually experiencing the loss but waiting for it. But in a few days it happened just as they said it would...

(Sorry, I don't mean for this to be a depressing post - more is coming and God is still so good!)